The maddest you've ever been

when my wife's father hit me in the face and yelled "F*ck you" in the middle of a restaurant trying to get me to attack an old man. Simply walked away and told him to "eat a bowl of d!ck" and her mother then said "Hoss, their are children in here!"

wife and I packed up our daughter and walked out.

Getting heavy up in here...

In a Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon after having a giant Mexican buffet for lunch and felt that first gurgle in the lower pit of my gut. Tried to ignore at first but the gurgles and bubbles and twisting pains got steadily worse. Told the wife I'd be right back, she rolled her eyes as she knew what about to transpire, and did a (to lose Lebowski logic) quarter walk, quarter run, quarter tight rope, quarter butt cheek pinch, quarter wobble to the bathroom that, of course, is clear across the store. Sweat is gathering on my brow and I can feel a drop of the cool perspiration slide down my back. I open the door and the big handicap stall is taken so I squeeze into the first stall and, as is expected, the seat is covered with who knows what. I have to make a split second decision: do I have time to wipe down the seat and lay down a seat cover or do I have to unbuckle the belt and unleash the hounds. The decision is made as the gurgles get louder and become more powerful so I enter the hover stage and let loose. The guy in the handicap stall next to me lets out an audible gasp and I hear the words "what the fck" muttered under his breath as he quickly exits. I do the deed, drop the kids, their cousins, the dog, and all their friends off at the pool and reach to the toilet paper container. Give a gentle tug and nothing. Slide the lever over to get to the second roll and, you guessed it, nothing. Do a quick peek and listen and don't hear any one else in the restroom so I do a wobbly squat type walk with my pants around my ankles to the handicap stall About two shuffles in the door opens and, enter stage left, a father and two young children to the grand sight of my bare, hairy @$$ and my pants around the ankles. The dad laughs. The kids laugh. I keep shuffling, no turning back at this point. Get about 4 wipes in and realize this is one of those marker sh!ts (as in you wipe and you wipe and you wipe and you wipe and it doesn't appear to get any better). Two more wipes, more of the same, and then the inevitable happens...no more toilet paper. I text the wife, no reply. Say fck it, hitch up my pants and head out of the bathroom. The pressure of my cheeks is indescribable. Grab a 4 pack of Charmin Ultra Soft Mega Rolls and head back in. Finish what I have to do, leave the excess Charmin Ultra Soft Mega Rolls and bail. I hate having to sh!t in a public toilet.